My Journey

It's been a month since my last confession!

2008-09-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last blog! I have just haven't had time to write or anything good to write about! As you can probably tell since my sickness I have fallen off again but am slowly getting back on. Me and Daniel have a challenge to exercise for minimum of 30minutes per day for 21 days straight! So far I have completed day 8 and am very proud considering before I couldn't even muster the energy for 5 times a week! Daniel is on day 4 as he started later than me. I am also proud of the fact that a few times my body has been really sore and I have still been able to go for a walk.

Uni has been so hectic. I have a report due soon which is scary because it accounts for a lot of my overall grade for the subject. I am pretty sure that I should do well though...

I'm a bit tired at the moment, so I'm going to head off now... sorry if it's been a boring blog I'm half asleep!!

Snot girl

2008-08-30T06:53:00.000-07:00

I have been crowned "Snot girl" by those around me who have had the pleasure of listening to me saying words through a blocked nose and trying to decipher what I am saying! So obviously not that great in the health department. It started out with weird symptoms like a dry scratchy throat (but not sore, like the air from me breathing was hitting the back of my throat and making it really dry) and a bit of a blocked nose. So of course I went around bragging about how awesome my body is thinking it was fighting off the cold really good and then BAM! The snot had come!
Anyway so I've been telling myself that the rule is that when I am sick I am allowed to be bad, until I messaged Gaz saying I wasn't coming in to gym today and he asked me ever so nicely to keep eating healthy and try to go for a walk if I have the energy. So of course I don't want to let him down... but then I think back and most of the time I have been pretty good. I've been eating a lot of soups...the worst I've been was KFC on Wed with my friend - damn those sweet chili twisters!! But I know I could of been a lot worse so I guess I'm happy.
It's a slow process trying to loose weight which I am truly realising now and it seems to be even harder while I am also trying to do uni work. All this weekend I have tried to lock myself in my room and on my mums laptop I've been writing out lecture summaries but it's taking ages. It took almost a whole day to do just one because the lecturer talks so fast so I have to keep rewinding my recordings. Also teamed up with the fact I didn't start until 11:30am and I had a snooze in the afternoon and I kept coming out to see what was going on in the rest of the house. See if everyone is still alive!
I have started reading Harry Potter again, ooh I LOVE it sooo much! Daniel asked me how I can keep reading the same books over and over again (which usually I don't except if it's Harry Potter) and I just said it's amazing how much you forget from reading it the first time. It's so detailed and also little things like how she mentions Sirius Blacks name in the start of the first book and then you don't hear of his name until the third book (that I remember). I have read all of them twice (so this is my third time) except for the last one which I have only read once (so once I finish I'll go over and read the last one again) - yes I know anal, but hey that's just me!
Anyway it's past midnight and I want to try and finish off this lecture summary before I go to bed. Goodnight.

Spoke too soon

2008-08-16T20:55:00.001-07:00

Aww I fell off the wagon last week. I did no exercise except for gym Tuesday and didn't eat that great... I noticed on Thursday I was feeling really emotional and had no idea why and then thought that the week before last I was probably so high on endorphins that when last week came around and I hadn't done much exercise I felt like crap because I was back to normal - which seemed much worse on account of being high on endorphins for so long! Anyway so it is my mission this week to feel great again.

I'll let you know how it goes

And I'm feeeelinnnn goooood!

2008-08-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

Hey sorry I haven't blogged in awhile uni is pretty hectic. I handed in that stupid lit review and then a wave of joy came flooding over me!

I have been soooo good this past week except I forgot to write it all down and so now Gaz can't see how awesome I've been :( but I'm feeling confident that I can continue this goodness. I did a little calorie counting and an average healthy day for me was 1500 cal! Even including a weight watchers choc sundae dessert! So I am very happy with myself... also last week I managed to complete 5 days worth of exercise! However this week I haven't done any yet and it's Tuesday but it just means I have to every day for the next few days.

The Biggest Loser applications were supposed to finish yesterday but are still open! I am still happy even if I don't get in because I am doing well and I think it would take a bit for me to fall off the wagon again. Especially since Daniel has been trying so hard (even though he has been sick for over a month) to eat healthy and is dying to get back to gym and even suggested trying to go back while still sick, which of course I said "are you crazy?!" (not really, I was much nicer than that) to which he replied "why do you have the brains in this relationship?!". Hee hee cute.

I am going to go as I have an hour and a half to have a kip (which means nap which apparently Daniel had never heard of!) and then get ready to go to gym.

Uni has started again

2008-08-01T01:31:00.000-07:00

Hence why I have not written in ages. I have been so busy and haven't even thought of blogging until now (because I'm at Daniels and am bored waiting for him to come home!).

Uni has started and I am repeating a subject which I find hard (physiology...seriously who is interested in that stuff?!?) and doing a third year genetics subject which is interesting.

I have been pretty good with diet and exercise - not perfect but I'm getting there! I still want to be able to live (i.e. having my uni coffees and my weight watchers sundaes!) But a lot of stuff that I am eating is still crap but I'm handing in my food diary to Gaz and highlighting the bad stuff I want to get rid of in red, we are hoping that gradually the red will get less and less until there is only black writing! I just weighed myself and I am 94.3kg and it's at the end of the day, so I have lost a bit... it's hard to keep track when I don't weigh myself regularly. I just need to make sure whenever I feel like bad food (which I have noticed is generally around friends and other people when they are having it) to think of being thin and active and all my goals and everything, just stop and think about what I am putting in my mouth instead of just doing it.

Anywho I'll try and be good and blog again soon although I have this horrible assignment which is due on Thursday but then I have something else due on Friday so sometime next week.

Good week. Bad week.

2008-07-14T04:17:00.000-07:00

I will first start with the bad news so I can end on a happy note. My Nan went into hospital on Thursday because the doctors had changed her medication and they were making her feel unwell. Mum rang me to tell me to rush over to their house to look after Pa. That night they gave her morphine because she had a sore back and she had a bad reaction and was constantly vomiting and her blood pressure dropped dangerously low. Mum ended up staying at the hospital until 4.30am and had been up since 6am that morning and was obviously exhausted. Anyway my Nan being the tough cookie she is pulled through and is now back at home resting for two weeks while my Pa goes into respite care. Also understandably during this time I fell of the wagon a bit but starting today jumped back on and I have gym tomorrow so that will help kick me into gear again.

Now for the good news plural!
First I got my results back from uni and got an A and a B so I'm pretty pleased with that considering my highest has been a C. I also found out because I got an A it means I am able to apply to do a project with one of the lecturers so I will most likely apply for that.
The second good news is I have applied for the Biggest Loser 2009 Australian couples (me and Daniel obviously!) and so if we are chosen you'll probably be able to work out who I am! Anyway I am eating dinner and will keep you informed..
bye!

I'm over the Hump!

2008-07-07T17:28:00.001-07:00

YAY! I think I am finally over the Hump! It all started Saturday morning in my nice warm bed and not wanting to get up for gym! I messaged my personal trainer, Gaz, and asked if he could provide some motivational words for me because I felt like I wanted to skip out again (I had already missed the past two sessions before that too). Anyway so he messages back and says "Just come in today and we'll have a talk about it" which made me nervous.. but I hoped in the shower and started getting ready and I wrote back that I might be a bit late and he replied that that's ok as long as I get in today so we can have a big talk. bout things! So now I'm even more nervous! Anyway I just came in and he got me to go on the cross trainer and asked how things were and how can we get me more motivated and he suggested making a small goal, something simple like eating healthy and exercising 5 times a week (minus 2 at gym and 1 doing housework for Nan so that's only 2 more) until I go back to uni (21st of July). Then Gaz gave me a food and exercise diary to fill out (but I ended up typing it out because it looks neater!) and I have to report to him every Saturday (which is only really 2 until the 21st of July but I will continue on after that) and hopefully I would of lost a meaningful amount of weight instead of a kilo here or a kilo there!

Starting from Saturday it is now day four and I'm feeling pretty good. I went to the movies the other day with Daniel and instead of buying malteasers and popcorn and soft drink I bought a pack of natural confectionary snake lollies and some extra drops so that I was busying my mouth with something and I wouldn't notice that I wasn't eating. I am also very proud that I actually walked past a Hershey's cookies and creame bar which they only sell in special lollie shops! But I must admit I have to thank Daniel for that one because I was ready to buy it until Daniel told me no! Then in the cinema we were waiting for the movie to come on and I was whining about wanting it and if I bought it and saved it for my one day off a fortnight or just have one little piece a day! I then came to the conclusion that if it was still out there when the movie finished it was meant to be and I would get it... except we got out and I had forgotten until we were back home talking about the movie! So I guess it wasn't meant to be, but I think that is a good stratergy, to walk away and do something else and if it's still there/you remember it then you can have it - but only on your day off!

Anyway I think that's all to report now, I shall be in touch

Long time, no type!

2008-07-03T06:40:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't been in touch lately. I have been at Daniels being nurse to his chest infection! I really have been doing nothing to get back on track. I've missed the last two gym sessions and been eating discustingly! Also apologies for the emotional blog but I guess that is why I have problems and it is good to vent!

I went to dinner the other night with Daniel and we went to this Chinese restaurant and ended up walking out because it was so expensive! Anyway we got to talking and we decided we are going to get married overseas in Thailand on Elephant back! I can't wait! Just our parents and brothers and sisters there and then come back for a BBQ with extended family and friends.

I'm trying to work out a plan of attack to help myself get over this hump that has lasted too long for my liking. Daniel said that I should just make sure I eat less than normal or make better choices than I normally would. For example my Nan's house is biscuit central and I end up eating almost 10 in one night! So the idea was to put them in a cup and once the cup was empty I couldn't have anymore. I think once Daniel gets better it will be easier for me because it helps me when I see he is trying too, but since he is sick we both haven't been doing anything.

Sometimes I get these urges to exercise and I think I need to pay closer attention to them and actually utilize these urges to my advantage. The problem is they usually occur when I am about to go to bed. I guess I could do some sit ups in my bed and push ups and dips etc. It's like my head wants it so much for so many reasons (I think I feel another list coming on...)

Why I want to lose weight;

1. I feel happy about the way I look (not feel horrible around other people who I think look skinner/prettier than me)
2. Health
3. I can work with animals (I'd need to be fit)
4. Buy nice clothes
5. To have more energy

That's all for now, hopefully I'll be in touch soon and with some good news of progress.

Starting again...

2008-06-23T05:59:00.000-07:00

I still haven't been going so well, but tomorrow I'm determined to start again and eat healthy and give Daisy an hour walk. This is the hard bit, getting over the "hump" of falling off and picking yourself up to start again. I hate not having energy to do anything and I've been sleeping lots e.g. Sunday I slept probably 80% of the day! I want to do a group exercise thing this week but don't want to go by myself, maybe I can coax one of my friends or Daniel into going.
I can't help shaking the feeling that maybe I'm not over the emotional stuff and that is what is keeping me from truly being able to loose weight. Reading "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl" I found that she had this realisation that she doesn't want to be that way anymore and I have had that happen to me so many times. Times where I have got drunk and so emotional I couldn't stop crying and stayed in my friends room the rest of the night telling them how sorry I was that I don't go anywhere with them and that it was because I feel crap and have nothing to wear. I really humiliated myself and think how could I sink that low and still not be doing anything about it and even worse have gained weight since that moment!
So I was reading the book and she does seem to deal with the emotional issues more head on then I have, where I am trying to come to peace with what happened by writing down what happened and trying to let myself realise that my whole body image is based on what someone else told me. Maybe I'm punishing myself, trying to make myself feel good by eating foods that make me feel good (only they don't afterward). I really don't want to deal with the emotional issues to the face of this person and I am hoping of some way around it. There is also my Mum, as much as I love her and I know she only wants what is best for me, she can comment on what I eat and it makes me really annoyed and I dig my heals in (I can be quite stubborn). For example tonight she brought home liquorice bullets which are her favourites and I said "Mum! You can't eat them!" (because that's what she would of said to me!) "Why didn't you buy me something" and she said "aren't you supposed to be on a diet" and it really felt like she shuts me down when she says that. She is also overweight and is battling borderline diabetes and was complaining about needing to loose weight because the situation is getting worse and she buys liquorice bullets! I just feel like we should both be in this together because we both need it just as much as each other.
The hardest thing tomorrow is I'm going to go out to coffee with one of my friends and would probably succumb to the calls of a chocolate cake or a slice of hedgehog! I'll just try and stick with my coffee and maybe if we shared a cake and I only had a little bit of it.

Anyway I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow and hopefully I do well - wish me luck!

I'm free!...Until 21st of July

2008-06-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

YAY!! I finished my last exam for this semester! I think I went quite well, I get my results on the 15th of July = S At least now I don't have to think about insects anymore! After the exam I had a craving for McDonalds and I was trying to say but if I want McDonalds that's ok but not to use it as a treat (because that ties in with it being "good" or "bad" food). I was trying to ask myself if I actually wanted it, trying to listen to my body a bit more and what it wants but I decided to get it anyway and watch Law and Order SVU (I L.O.V.E. SVU!) as long as I wasn't going to let myself feel bad for having it later.

So the episode of SVU had the dad from Seventh Heaven and I think the boyfriend at the start of Legally Blonde (the "Pooh Bear" one)I can't remember his name. It was soo good! But I wish Elliot and Olivia would get together which I know if it does happen, it won't until the last season. Speaking of television shows I love I can't wait for Californication to come back on! And Dexter is about to start on normal t.v. but I'm just gonna borrow it off Daniel and watch it.

Now that I'm FREE! I have lots of things planned such as; start eating healthier again! Exercise everyday, clean my room (fun - not!), get my nails refilled, clean Nanny's house and more but nothing that exciting to report. I have a friends birthday tonight so hopefully that is good, maybe I'll have some cocktails! I haven't had any for ages!

I went shopping earlier in the week for things for mine and Daniel's future home which is exciting and I'm going again today to look for nicknack things. I also need to buy my friends present and pay rego =,(

Anyway moral of the blog is now that I am free from study till the 21st of July I will be doing lots of exercise (try an hour each day) and eating better again (I almost typed "eating batter" heehee).

I'll keep in touch.

Walkin' the dawg

2008-06-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

Yay! I didn't think I would do it today, but I ended up walking the Daise and she had so much attention of everyone!
I have been trying to get myself to study but Mum has taken the day off sick and I tend to get distracted when she is home. I'll have to do more once Big Brother is finished (hee hee I know lame, but it's fun).
Today I ate a bowl of cereal with low fat milk for breakfast and for lunch I had a turkish bread roll with avocado, mayo, cheese, ham and spinach leaves...it was yum! Then I just had a muesli bar and I am having lamb steaks with vegies and side dish pasta for dinner.
I think that's all to report for today. I have my personal training session tomorrow with Daniel so I am excited about that and more study = ( !!

P.S. Please feel free to comment on my blogs!

Sunday 15/6/08 95.10kg

2008-06-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

Daniel has packing scales at his home and I weighed myself Friday morning and this is what I weighed so I guess I'll probably put that as my starting weight! This is my last entry on my own computer so from now on they'll becoming raw to you!

I haven’t really been keeping track of my thoughts lately because I’ve been busy studying and examing and then I was at Daniel’s for the last few days. Something happened recently that made me feel really hurt and like crap and I picked up on the fact that I immediately turned to food and craved some oily McDonalds full of fatty goodness. I caught myself in time and thought no! I shouldn’t let myself be punished for someone else making me feel like shit! I am my own person and it should make me want to be more persistent. So instead I ended up eating a chicken kebab and 3 subway cookies! Probably just as bad but at least it wasn’t McDonalds!
I have my last exam on the 20th so I plan to eat good until then and go to gym and then next week start exercising every day. I think it’s also a matter of listening to my body, do I really want the junk food or is it just a substitution for feeling happy?
I had a dream last night that a lady was talking to me saying that I am going to loose weight now because I am emotionally ready to, whereas before as much as I wanted it, it wasn’t going to happen because there were emotional issues to deal with. I have also noticed I am starting to think of myself even more in a positive light. I am happy with the person I am. Sometimes I can look in a mirror and think ooh I look hot today!
I feel like I want to go for a walk tomorrow so I might pack my ipod full of good songs and take the Daize and go for a walk in the park.

Thursday 5/6/08

2008-06-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

The third day was supposed to be my perfect day as I wasn’t going anywhere but I got to a tuna salad and apple for lunch and thought I don’t want tuna!! So I ate three scones with margarine and jam! Then after dinner which was soup I felt really hungry and I changed my snack of peaches and yoghurt (which probably would have been more filling) for a muesli bar, a fruit puree pack and 4 premium biscuits with marg and vegemite. I think I need to focus on the positives:
- I drank 1.5 bottles of water
- I ate a smaller bowl of cereal than I normally would
- I watched Mum eat a bowl of ice cream and just grumbled instead of getting one myself.
- The scones are stale so I won’t be having anymore!
- I am determined to do this with all my might.
I finished reading The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl and was so excited about getting started on busting my own flab! I have also taken from the book that it’s not about being on diets (which is why I am not!) and it’s about loving yourself inside and out. Lately I have started liking the way I look, not so much the flabby parts but the curves and the shape of my silhouette. I like my big but and round hips, when I stand on the side I see just how big my stomach and boobs really are! Them and my thighs are my major points of change. I would like to;
- Not have to wear shorts under skirts to stop my legs rubbing together.
- Not have a size 18F as a bra size, which is mortifying.
- Have a flat tummy

10 things to do once I loose the bulge!:

1. Get married!
2. Full body massage
3. Buy a pair of bikinis and wear them in public!
4. Buy sexy lingerie and a smaller bra size
5. Wear a short hot clubbing dress and high heels and hit the town!
6. Visit the Orang-utans in Borneo and Sumatra
7. Take a professional photo naked! (a la “How To Look Good Naked”)
8. Do a walk for charity

I can't think of the whole 10 now, but I just picked 1o because it seemed like a nice round number (you'll come to realise I tend to have a mild case of OCD!). I'll add the other 2 when I think of some that are worthy. I actually got this idea from dietgirl and as I love lists it is perfect for me because as I read on she got so excited about ticking off the things she wanted to do after she lost weight and I thought I wanted to feel like that too!

Wednesday 4/6/08 approx 96kg

2008-06-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

I started my journal on word hoping to put it up on facebook. Finally realised that you can't blog on facebook so I had to find another way.... So this is my first entry.

It’s the third day in, to what actually might be a successful plan. I have never been one for fad diets or Weight Watchers. I hate counting calories or points. I tried keeping a food diary but I’d always forget to fill it in. Instead I’ve written up a table of foods I enjoy that are healthy (giving myself a few yummies here and there) instead of trying to force myself to eat things I’ll I am in the midst of writing up an exercise regime. I feel this will work as all I have to do is check that the foods are there in the cupboard and check off the boxes as I go.
The first day was a Wednesday, so I am glad I didn’t use the excuse “I’ll start on Monday” because I figure if everything is ready for me to start now, why not? However it was probably not the best day to start as my fiancé Daniel is Italian and there is a family dinner every Wednesday. So of course it’s full with chicken schnitzels and biscuits and cake and yummy things and I was sitting there with my winter vegetables soup! I couldn’t resist and I had to have half a chicken schnitzel and I was allowed to as long as I wasn’t going to bitch about it afterwards! And then we made scones, this lovely recipe that my Nanny gave me using soda water, and I scoffed 3 with marg and jam!
The second day was good too, I was making berry smoothies with a scoop of low fat ice cream (and realised I’d had one yesterday and should substitute yoghurt instead), and in my morning snack I only had a muesli bar and no banana because I was so full, although that also could be due to the fact I have been waking up at 11am lately because I’ve been going to bed late and so have been eating my breakfast at miday! Anyway I realised that tonight my Mum, Daniel and I all were going to see Sex and the City the movie! And I couldn’t imagine not having a little something and watching a movie with no nibblies and tried to strike up a deal with Mum asking if I can have one, to which she replied you’re 21 now you can eat what you want!! Then we came to an agreement that if I eat one boysenberry choc-top at the movie, I had to take out two ice creamy desserts from my diet. I love ice cream so much. It’s the one thing I could eat all day every day. I even eat it in winter with a doona wrapped around me! In my new fangled diet plan thingy (although I’m trying not to use the word “diet”) I have two nights of a scoop of low fat ice cream with some kind of fruit and two nights of Weight Watchers sundaes, that’s four nights of ice cream! So I think I might have to adjust that part but we’ll see how I go after a month.