Monday, June 23, 2008

Starting again...

I still haven't been going so well, but tomorrow I'm determined to start again and eat healthy and give Daisy an hour walk. This is the hard bit, getting over the "hump" of falling off and picking yourself up to start again. I hate not having energy to do anything and I've been sleeping lots e.g. Sunday I slept probably 80% of the day! I want to do a group exercise thing this week but don't want to go by myself, maybe I can coax one of my friends or Daniel into going.
I can't help shaking the feeling that maybe I'm not over the emotional stuff and that is what is keeping me from truly being able to loose weight. Reading "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl" I found that she had this realisation that she doesn't want to be that way anymore and I have had that happen to me so many times. Times where I have got drunk and so emotional I couldn't stop crying and stayed in my friends room the rest of the night telling them how sorry I was that I don't go anywhere with them and that it was because I feel crap and have nothing to wear. I really humiliated myself and think how could I sink that low and still not be doing anything about it and even worse have gained weight since that moment!
So I was reading the book and she does seem to deal with the emotional issues more head on then I have, where I am trying to come to peace with what happened by writing down what happened and trying to let myself realise that my whole body image is based on what someone else told me. Maybe I'm punishing myself, trying to make myself feel good by eating foods that make me feel good (only they don't afterward). I really don't want to deal with the emotional issues to the face of this person and I am hoping of some way around it. There is also my Mum, as much as I love her and I know she only wants what is best for me, she can comment on what I eat and it makes me really annoyed and I dig my heals in (I can be quite stubborn). For example tonight she brought home liquorice bullets which are her favourites and I said "Mum! You can't eat them!" (because that's what she would of said to me!) "Why didn't you buy me something" and she said "aren't you supposed to be on a diet" and it really felt like she shuts me down when she says that. She is also overweight and is battling borderline diabetes and was complaining about needing to loose weight because the situation is getting worse and she buys liquorice bullets! I just feel like we should both be in this together because we both need it just as much as each other.
The hardest thing tomorrow is I'm going to go out to coffee with one of my friends and would probably succumb to the calls of a chocolate cake or a slice of hedgehog! I'll just try and stick with my coffee and maybe if we shared a cake and I only had a little bit of it.

Anyway I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow and hopefully I do well - wish me luck!

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